Promises Made to be Broken
by noelswonderland
Summary: People do not move on when a loved one dies; they simply learn to cope in their absence. But this seems a different case entirely – Kazuki is a phantom that continues to haunt him regardless of the passage of time. Determined to find out why, Fallon delves into the past. But as she will discover, there is a reason for the saying, "Let sleeping dogs lie." Goto x Kazuki / Goto x MC
1. Goto's Past I

**Author's Note:** This story explores Goto's past (thanks to Voltage for leaving it open ended enough for me to jump in with full creativity). Where surnames or first names have been omitted by the creators, I have taken personal liberty. The MC's name is Fallon, by the way. ;3 (Dedicated to Tomey from tumblr - otomesweetheart.)

* * *

**Goto's Past I**

"You're going to visit her grave today, aren't you?"

His back was facing her, but she could still see his head bobbing. "Yeah..."

"I want to go," Fallon told him anxiously, wringing her hands. She knew it seemed like an odd request, but she had already resolved herself. Kazuki was a big part of his past and although she some times found it difficult or painful, she wanted to know more. On top of that, she did not want to feel as though she was taking Kazuki's place in Goto's heart.

When he peered back at her, there was a surprisingly gentle smile on his face. "Alright, let's go together. She won't mind an extra visitor." Those eyes of his looked melancholic for a moment as he shifted his gaze and stood abruptly.

"O-okay, I just have to slip on my shoes real quick."

It was a somber day not alone because it was the anniversary of her death, but even the sky had clouded over. The sunlight was muted and it seemed as though it could rain at any time. Fallon had an umbrella tucked under her arm just in case, her hand linked with Goto's. He seemed to be deep in thought the entire way to the florist.

"What kind of flowers are you getting her?" Fallon asked curiously as her gaze swept across the varying assortments, all of which had beautiful complimentary colors. As she silently admired them, he suddenly let go of her hand as he stepped up to the clerk.

"A dozen yellow daylilies?" The woman behind the counter guessed knowingly.

Although Fallon could not see the expression on his face from behind, she watched as he gave a stiff nod. It seemed as though he had visited this same shop many times before, especially considering that the woman was so easily able to guess his order – she must have recognized his face.

"Here you go," the clerk said finally as she passed over the carefully wrapped bouquet.

"Thank you," Goto responded as he gave her the appropriate change in return. His voice sounded muted and plaintive. However, when he turned around and approached Fallon, he offered her a smile. There was still something sad about the look in his eyes, but he seemed far less doleful than when they had first met and the wounds from Kazuki's death were fresh. He had largely managed to move on, though she still occasionally caught him with a far-off look in his eyes.

"Should I get her something too? Maybe... a favorite food or..."

"Yeah, we'll stop by the convenience store on the way."

"Okay," she chirped back cheerfully, slipping her hand back into his as they started down the street.

When they arrived at the convenience store and entered together, rather than peruse the aisles, Goto headed straight for the front counter without pause. And then, to Fallon's astonishment, asked for a packet of cigarettes.

"Kazuki-san smoked?" she remarked in surprise.

"Yeah. She said 'bad habits die hard,' or something like that." There was a wry smile on his face but it quickly dissipated as the warmth of his hand, which had been enveloping hers, suddenly left her again as he dug into his pocket for his wallet.

Once they were back out on the street, she offered to carry the flowers, to which he obliged her. And while their hands were linked once again – the umbrella dangling loosely from her wrist – his gaze seemed to be focused on the package of cigarettes he was carrying in his other hand. It was an old brand and not necessarily popular – renowned for being rather strong. In fact, Fallon did not know any of her friends that could stand to smoke that brand.

"We are almost there," he stated abruptly.

"Oh, alright..." It was strange, usually there was active conversation between the two of them but she could not think of any words to say. And similarly, he seemed quieter than ever. Granted, it had not been many years since Kazuki's death and this was the first time that he was spending it with someone rather than alone with a bottle of liquor – at least, that was how Fallon pictured it in her mind. He was not the type to confide his feelings in others. That facade of his was too perfect.

As they maneuvered through the rows in the cemetery, Fallon kept a strong grip on his hand. His expression remained unreadable the whole time, until they came to a stop in front of one of the graves. It appeared as though it had already been cleaned – a thin wisp of smoke was still rising from the incense stick that had been left behind.

"Her mother must have visited," Goto commented quietly as he leaned forward, setting down the box of cigarettes. The way his lips twitched seemed to give some indication that there was more he wanted to say but he stood up without murmuring another word.

"Her mom didn't leave flowers?" Fallon queried.

"They weren't... on good terms." His gaze shifted down to the ground, as though remembering something unpleasant.

"Oh, I see." Although she really didn't understand – but it seemed like voicing as much would be stating the obvious. It was probably not something he was keen on sharing with her. She still felt like she was intruding where she didn't belong. "Well, we can split these flowers and put six in each vase then."

"Thanks."

That one word of gratitude felt strangely hollow but she gave him a soft smile before setting to work. Once she was finished putting the flowers in the provided vases, she leaned back to admire how beautiful they were. He had impeccable taste – though she wondered if that was actually Kazuki's taste. Feeling a little antsy, Fallon finally said, "I'll go get some water for them." Using that excuse, she ambled away, peering over her shoulder to look back at him.

A shadow had fallen across his eyes, cast by the ebony tendrils hanging like a curtain across his forehead. She could not make out his expression but she could visibly distinguish the whites of his teeth as his lips curled back and his fists clenched – frustration. No doubt he was reflecting on his own powerlessness.

_ "With you, I think that he can move on and stop living in the shadow of Kazuki's death,"_ Subaru had told her.

_I don't think it's that simple,_ she thought to herself sullenly. Kazuki was a phantom that Fallon suspected would continue to haunt Goto for some time. Pain gripped at her heart as she assured herself that everything would be okay despite that.

—

"I brought your favorite smokes." The smell had always sickened him, honestly, but now that she was gone, they brought a sense of comfort. His fingers tore through the package as he pulled a single cigarette out. "I'll light it for you." There was a brief pause as he dug into his pocket, finally producing her old lighter. It was silver with an engraving of a snake on the front.

A thin wisp of smoke rose from the end of the cigarette as he set it beside the incense. The familiar scent flooded his nose and coaxed a smile out of him. As he stared down at the lighter in his hand, he wondered if she had purposefully selected one with a snake on it.

"Um... do you mind if I ask how you and Kazuki met?"

His head jerked. When had Fallon returned? He had not even sensed her approach. "You really want to hear?" His brow cocked.

"If you don't want to talk about it..."

"No. I don't mind." That was a lie. But if he was being honest, he relived those memories every year around this time anyways. "It might bore you."

"I don't mind. I would like to hear."

He bowed his head, thinking for a moment before closing his eyes. "That day... it was raining..."


	2. Goto's Past II

**Author's Note:** Takes place in the past. Enjoy!

* * *

**Goto's Past II**

It was raining heavily – beating down on the flimsy umbrella that he had been holding, positioned slightly off-center so as to cover the man sitting in a chair beside him. Said man was trembling, face cradled in his hands as he sobbed. A politician that had recently received a threat, and while he was safe, he was shaken from the encounter just twenty minutes prior – one that had left a shallow cut in his bodyguard's forearm.

Blood had trickled down to Goto's fingers, dripping against the pavement. The droplets were diluted and eventually washed away by the rain as the two people loitered in a parking lot, waiting for detectives to arrive. Police had already taken custody of the man's assailant, yet rather than escorting Goto and his client away from the scene and questioning them about the incident, they were detained at the scene. And while they were being cooperative, even Goto felt a bit disgruntled about the unusual process.

"Excuse me, I am Kazuki Amemiya with Criminal Intelligence. Are you this woman's bodyguard?" The voice had seemingly come out of nowhere.

First glance gave him the impression that she was unimpressive – disheveled auburn hair set in messy layers down to her shoulders. Yet despite her slightly unkempt appearance and wrinkled uniform, there was something fierce about those green eyes that stared back at him.

"Yes," he answered evenly.

"Since your client doesn't appear to be in the kind of state to warrant questioning, I assume you won't have a problem if I ask you on his behalf. I am guessing you received that wound there from the man we apprehended." Her gaze never left his face and yet she motioned to his wounded arm as though it was the first thing she had noticed. Observant, considering the tear in the sleeve was hidden from her eyes and the only visible indication would have been the steady stream of blood beginning to coagulate in the cracks between his fingers.

Crossing his arms over his chest, he cocked an eyebrow at her. "Very well."

A grin cracked on her lips. "No need to sound so stiff, we're cooperating with each other amicably after all, right? And anyways standing in this rain can't be any good. My colleague will take care of your client, let's get in my car and out of this rain. Jesus, it's freezing, I don't know how your teeth aren't chattering." She rambled aimlessly before spinning on her heel and stalking off toward the vehicle just a short distance away.

The younger man that had been accompanying her and holding an umbrella over her head seemed somewhat puzzled that he was not left direct orders on what to do. He almost appeared to be gazing up at Goto as though the other man would give him some kind of indication as to how he was supposed to handle the situation.

Goto reached down and grasped his client's hand in his, passing the umbrella over to him. The man seemed startled, his icy fingers clinging to Goto's arm as though he was terrified for him to leave. "You're my bodyguard, where do you think you're going?" he squeaked in a mouse-like voice. Rather annoying – and frankly, Goto was entirely sure that he was pleased to have received an injury protecting such a coward.

"It's over," he responded gruffly, despite his inner thoughts. "You won't need further protection since you are safe now... Sir."

"A-alright..."

He peered over at the man from Criminal Intelligence, who gave him a slight inclination of the head – as though signalling would watch over the client in Goto's absence. With that arrangement finished, Goto stepped into rain. His shoulder was already soaked, having been out of the line of the umbrella. The water had seeped through the sleeve of his suit, soaking the fresh wound and prolonging the coagulation. It stung, though he gave no indication of pain outwardly.

Considering the downpour, he was about soaking wet by the time he clambered into the passenger side. Once the door was secured shut, he shifted his gaze to the woman beside him. She had her window partially rolled down, a cigarette protruding between her lips. Almost as soon as she saw him, she took a quick puff. "Sorry, been itching for a smoke all day but that little butthead that's stuck to me won't stop nagging me about my health," she said after exhaling, angling her head so the smoke would drift out the window rather than gag him.

Despite her efforts, the smell was overwhelming enough to be suffocating. "So what was your question?" Better to get straight to the point so he could leave.

"Ah, that's right. You guys were detained per my request. I should apologize for that. Actually, there is reason to believe that the culprit was not working alone. I was wondering if, in that regard, you guys had any kind of verbal exchange before the attack took place. Or if there was any distinguishing characteristic you noticed about his person – anything of note, really."

He cocked his head. It was admittedly peculiar for someone of her position to take such an interest in what should have been a simple open and shut case – it was just another celebrity stalker. The police should have had no need to involve someone like her. "No," he answered finally after debating her question. "The guy didn't say anything before he charged us. And he was wearing a mask and multiple layers of clothing – there was nothing to see. You could have easily received that report from the police, though."

"Bingo! You're a sharp one." Those emerald irises peered over at him, a smug grin on her face as she suddenly flicked her half-smoked cigarette out the window. "But, well, the buzz kill is that my suspicions are either unfounded or there's just no smoke coming from the fire. Anyways, it's not something you need to concern yourself with. Thanks for waiting and answering my questions."

"You don't want the police involved," he surmised.

"Good deductions skills, indeed I don't. That aside, wait there a sec." All of a sudden she leaned over his lap, opening the glove compartment in front of him. After rooting around for a moment, she pulled out a first aid kit. Then suddenly she outstretched her hand toward him expectantly. "Give me your arm. I'll bandage it up real quick."

"I can do it myself. It's not serious."

"Oh, come on. Don't you know it's rude to reject someone else's kindness?"

Although mildly annoyed by her crude approach, he reluctantly lifted his arm for her to examine.

Her fingers felt cool against his skin as she rolled back his sleeve, clicking her tongue as she looked at the cut. "Well, I'm no doctor but I suspect you'll live," she told him with a grin. Then came the abrupt sting of antiseptic, eliciting a hiss as he nearly retracted the affected limb in his anguish.

"Tch, come on, you were so straight-faced a minute ago. It shouldn't hurt that bad," she teased with a chuckle. Fortunately the pain did not last long, and she was soon securing a bandage over his forearm – tight enough to be secure but not too tight. She was surprisingly adept despite her appearance.

"Thanks... Amemiya..." he told her begrudgingly, nearly gritting his teeth as he forced out the words.

"Oh good, you remembered my name. Now why don't you tell me yours? You didn't really introduce yourself earlier. Man, they really don't teach you bodyguards manners anymore, do they?" Her soliloquy was rather tiresome but he ignored it for the most part.

"Goto. Seiji Goto."

"Hm, nice name. And you have a nice face. Well, it was nice meeting you, Goto. My subordinate and I should be off. This was kind of a spur of the moment trip and I'm sure my superiors will be chewing my ear off for it anyways."

Not that he particularly needed all of that information. She certainly liked to hear herself talk, didn't she? Breathing a muted sigh, he excused himself and stepped out of the car, ambling over to where his client remained seated in that uncomfortable looking steel chair. "We can leave now," he informed the trembling man, nodding the other man from Criminal Intelligence who had been waiting with the client in Goto's absence.

"Thank you for your time," the shorter man said, giving a sharp bow before hurrying back to the car. It sped off almost the moment he hopped in.

Goto gazed after the vehicle as it peeled out of the parking lot. Something about that woman piqued his interest where he had been largely focused on work for the past few years. _Workaholic._ That was a word frequently used to describe him – or at least one that Subaru liked to tease him with. As though the hypocrite could accuse someone else of overworking when he was guilty of it himself.

But at least with this, another assignment was over. The injuries were minimal and soon he would be moving on to the next job – although unbeknownst to him at the time, what he had deemed a forgettable encounter with Kazuki was only the beginning.


	3. Goto's Past III

**Goto's Past III**

"Assassinated?" he echoed in disbelief.

Only days prior he had been relieved of his assignment after the threat had seemingly passed. Yet out of nowhere, despite the culprit being behind bars, the politician he had been guarding had been suddenly murdered in his own home. While Goto held little sympathy for his charge, who had been suspected of corruption and was under investigation anyways, he could not help but remember that woman from Criminal Intelligence whose questioning of him had been altogether suspicious.

"It's nothing for you to get worked up over," Subaru chided with a glare – perhaps assuming that it had landed some sort of emotional or psychological blow.

On the contrary, rather than being taken aback by the news, Goto's interest was piqued. That woman had made a point of questioning him directly, avoiding communication with the police. Her involvement was odd to begin with. Something stunk, though he was hardly in any position to sniff out what it was. He was only a bodyguard, anyways.

While the news that the brunette man in front of him had delivered came as a surprise, Goto's expression quickly sobered. He gave a brief 'goodbye' as Subaru took over his shift, before heading out the door of the office.

The sun was ducking behind the horizon as he stepped out onto the streets. Another morose day with a cloudy sky. He sighed to himself as he shoved his hands into his pockets, stalking off toward his car. Another night of cup ramen spent in front of the television – the same monotonous routine day in and day out.

At least it seemed that way as he strolled into the convenience store and made a beeline for the noodle aisle. But when he came to the section with ramen, he found an unexpected obstacle standing in his way.

"Well, hello there stranger," she greeted heartily with a wave. "Goto, if I remember right."

His gaze settled on the basket in her hand, where she had a myriad of ramen flavors and a pile of various snacks, to the point of overflowing. "Yeah," he answered finally, as though there was little else to say. If anything, he seemed a bit annoyed to have to run into her here of all places.

"Let me guess, you can't cook so you're here to pick up ramen to eat tonight."

"You are obviously here to do the same."

She grins sheepishly, rubbing at the back of her neck, a subtle brush creeping up on her otherwise pale cheeks. "Well, you may have caught me there. I have never been a particularly good cook. But I'm kind of surprised, Goto. I thought you'd have snagged you a wife with some culinary skills with that handsome face of yours."

"There is no need to flatter me," he grumbled back.

"Ohh, so you're single."

He sighed. "Is this conversation necessary?" Uncharacteristically, where he was able to remain largely aloof around most other people, she managed to ruffle his feathers enough to provoke a reaction where others could not.

Kazuki chuckled, giving him a shrug. "I guess you're probably anxious to get home and eat your noodles. I understand, I won't keep you any longer, Mister Bodyguard." She gave him a mocking salute before shuffling past him while humming under her breath. Despite her eccentricities, there was something undeniably charismatic about her.

Just as he was about to let her go, something occurred to him – his curiosity about the case. And Goto found himself peering after her. "Hey, Amemiya. About that politician I was protecting..."

"Ah, yeah. I hear they don't have any leads on who did it," she told him, as though guessing where his line of thought was leading. "But they seem to suspect it was an accomplice of the guy they already have in custody. I figure they'll probably be interrogating him soon."

"You aren't involved?"

Her brows peaked. "Who, me? Now why would I be involved in a case like that?"

It was obviously her attempt at dodging his query but for as clever as she thought she was, Goto was determined to extract something from her. "Before, you said—" All of a sudden an audible noise interrupted his sentence – grumbling from her stomach.

"Sorry, sorry. I forgot to eat lunch earlier." She didn't even sound embarrassed about it.

"Alright." With a sigh, he resigned himself. It was likely that she would find some way to wriggle out of answering his questions anyways. Better to relent and forget about it to begin with.

"Say, there's a ramen place just across the street. It's actually really good. Do you want to go eat together?"

That question actually managed to a elicit a look of surprise as he stared at her wide-eyed for a moment, jaw slightly agape. It was a good opportunity to ask her more questions – practically an open invitation. He spent only a moment debating it before assenting with a nod of the head.

They each had a hefty grocery sack in their hands as they ambled across the bustling crosswalk and made their way to the small shop. Once inside, they settled down side-by-side at the bar. Kazuki eagerly placed her order and he followed her lead, not particularly fussed about any of the offered flavors. Perhaps his taste buds had lost the ability to discern. Everything tasted bland anymore.

"For someone who seems pretty dedicated to their job, you're sure sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. Haven't you ever heard the expression 'curiosity killed the cat'?" she remarked from beside him, not even bothering to look over at him as she addressed him.

Those dark, narrowed eyes of his turned on her as he responded evenly, "I'm not a cat."

As though the reply caught her off-guard she paused for a moment to look at him before bursting out in laughter, wiping a tear from her eye. "Really, that was an unexpectedly straightforward response. You're really honest, aren't you, Goto?"

"Are you trying to avoid the question again?" He cocked his head back, frowning.

"Hey, let me ask you something." She had a far off look in her eyes as she gazed over at him. It gave Goto the impression that she was not really seeing him at all. "What would you do if somebody you loved suddenly went against everything that the two of you had stood for? Could you go against them?"

That question seemed a little too serious for the conversation. Unsure of how to answer, he turned pensive, at which point she broke out into laughter again. "What are you cackling for?"

"Sorry, you just seemed to take it so seriously. It was a joke! A joke!"

It definitely was not a joke – he could tell as much by the melancholic expression that she had been wearing. But while she was content to deny that momentary collapse in her jovial facade, he found that it made her seem a little more human and a little less... odd and unrelatable.

"Your noodles."

As the steaming bowls were set before them, Kazuki made quick work of hers, shoveling mouthful after mouthful in as though she was half-starved. Goto, in the meantime, studied her silently while waiting for his to cool.

"Aren't you going to eat?" she asked finally, still chewing.

He frowned at her. "It's too hot."

"Huh? You're surprisingly finicky. Maybe you really are like a cat."

A subtle blush crept up on his cheeks as he turned his head away to avoid her gaze. "What are you on about?" he muttered defensively.

"You said you're single, right, Goto? What do you think about dating me?"

Flabbergasted, he jerked back around to face her, brows furrowed as though he was almost indignant about the question. "Date?" He almost seemed to scoff at the word – but perhaps it was because he was shocked at how upfront she was about her intentions.

"Yeah," Kazuki answered thoughtfully, her words punctuated by a firm nod. "I like you, Goto."

At a loss for how to respond, he could only gape at her in return.

"Your noodles should be cool enough now. Eat up!"

It was all he could do to obey, if only because otherwise the two would settle into an awkward silence. He needed time to process what she had just said. Was she mocking him? Making fun of him? Surely she was not serious?


	4. Goto's Past IV

**Goto's Past IV**

_'Hey, are you busy after work? We should meet up! Our shifts end at about the same time, right?'_

"You, texting with someone?" Subaru remarked, almost looking aghast.

Sighing to himself in return, Goto stuck his phone back into his pocket. Ever since he conceded and gave Kazuki his number, she had been relentless in trying to coax him into spending time with her. He had never expected his whimsical curiosity would have landed him in such an odd situation.

"So, who are you texting?"

"Why are you being nosy?" The darker-haired man shot back bitterly, crossing his arms over his chest. They were both on the job together, much to Goto's chagrin. For the most part they scarcely conversed unless Subaru deigned it pertinent to make some scathing remark that Goto, in turn, deemed annoying enough to respond to.

"Don't tell me... you actually have a girlfriend?"

Denying it would have only reinforced Subaru's conviction, so rather than even attempt to argue the matter, Goto settled into silence and turned his gaze away. Finally, after listening to Subaru's snickering for some time, he barked, "Can you be quiet? We are working."

"Oh, we are working but you have been checking your cellphone every ten minutes for the past two hours."

There was no point in trying to carry on a meaningless conversation by buying into Subaru's provocation. Goto just averted his eyes and tuned out the sound of the other man's voice. Though, little did the other bodyguard know, the question did actually weigh on his mind.

Girlfriend? It did not seem so absurd. He had been independent for some time and his mother was still pressing him to find someone. It was not but a week ago that she suggested a marriage interview, to which he hastily responded that he was too wrapped up in his career to consider settling down. Perhaps that was true, in part.

After their shift change came a short while later and Goto had made the walk out to his car, he settled into the driver's seat while staring at his phone. Although his fingers hesitated, he eventually typed out an answer before hitting send.

—

"Hey, Goto! Over here."

She flagged him down the moment he strolled into the bar. The scent of liquor hit him hard. It was barely nightfall and already there were many workers seated around the bar or scattered among various tables. Kazuki was occupying a stool beside the bar, however, and so that is where he found his legs taking him.

"I did not have you pegged for the drinking type," he muttered quietly as he settled down beside her.

"Hm, you must think I am pretty straight-laced, then. I almost feel a little bad that I am going to have to let you down." She chuckled as the bartender made his way over to them. It did not take but a few moments later and they each had a drink placed in front of them. Contrary to Goto reluctantly taking a sip of his, Kazuki was knocking them back like it was nothing.

"I hope you can hold your liquor." In part because he did not want to find himself carrying her unconscious body back to her apartment. Or worse yet, standing with her in some back alley while she puked her guts out.

"Another!" she called out to the bartender before flashing a smile in Goto's direction. There was already a haze in those emerald eyes. Contrary to his hope, she seemed intent on getting smashed quickly. "Sorry, I guess I was being selfish calling you out. But don't worry, I have a coworker that I can call to come get me. So enjoy yourself."

"Something happened at work?"

"Hm, that makes me wonder if you're actually perceptive or just guessing." Once she had another drink in her hand, rather than drain it as quickly as the last two, she hesitated for a moment and seemed to seriously ponder his question. "I guess sometimes I just feel like it would be easier to quit."

"Quit?" Goto echoed back in disbelief. The tenacious young woman in front of him didn't seem so weak-willed so as to suggest that her job was too much or too draining. Especially when she was one of the few women in her line of work; surely she had struggled to get as far as she had. Why give it all up now?

"Ha, I won't quit. I just think about it sometimes." Kazuki downed the shot glass as soon as she said that, slamming the empty glass back against the counter before turning to stare him down. "Say, Goto, do you believe in fate?"

"No," he answered automatically.

Her usual cheerful demeanor shifted as she gave a slow nod.

"You don't strike me as the type to buy into it either."

"You might be surprised," she sighed as she dug a hand into her pocket to take out a packet of cigarettes. "I am actually really jaded and cynical. Wouldn't that make sense? Would I ask a man I barely met to go on a date with me to a bar others?" Kazuki chuckled to herself as she placed the butt of a cigarette between her lips, stuffing a hand into her pocket to fish out her lighter.

Goto reached over and plucked the unlit object from her mouth. "Amemiya... should we date seriously?"

A look of surprise registered on her face slowly but almost as quickly she covered it up with a laugh. "What's with you asking me with that kind of glare on your face? You should learn to lighten up a little, Goto." All of a sudden she reached over, pressing her finger between his brows. "There's a wrinkle right here whenever you talk to me."

"That's because you say the most ridiculous things."

Kazuki suddenly withdrew her finger while simultaneously leaning closer toward him until their faces were inches away from each other. He could smell the liquor on her breath. "Hey, Goto... since you asked about dating seriously, does that mean you're attracted to me?"

This time Goto was the one pressing his finger between her brows, forcing her to lean back. "Sober up a little before you have that conversation with me, Amemiya."

"And to that I say, bottoms up!" Having managed to flag down the bartender again, she had another full shot glass in her hand that she downed immediately. It seemed, despite his discouragement, that she had no qualms about having a hangover the next morning.

By the time the night had ended, Goto left the bar with Kazuki hanging off his shoulder, utterly sloshed. Although apparently not enough that she was an incoherent stumbling mess – she seemed cognizant enough to want to carry on a conversation as he led her out to get a taxi.

"Heeeey, are you tryin' to pawn me ooooff on someone eeeelse?"

He sighed under his breath. "Come on. We are almost to the street. Make sure to tell the cab driver the right address."

All of a sudden she yanked herself out of his grasp and stumbled across the pavement, nearly toppling over in her attempt to get away from him. But somehow Kazuki managed to steady herself enough to point an accusing finger in his direction. "You... can't jus' abandon me."

"What are you—"

"I don't... wanna be abandoned... again." She struggled with those words as the tears started to well up in her eyes. Kazuki choked them back, raising her sleeve to wipe them away hastily. When it seemed that they wouldn't stop, she finally turned her back to him.

Although his mind was still somewhat cloudy from the small amount of alcohol, he was clear enough to feel a little guilty for letting her get so drunk. Feeling it was his responsibility, he advanced toward her and gently placed a hand against Kazuki's shoulder. "Come on. Let's get you home."

With his coaxing, she turned around to face him – at which point she suddenly threw her arms around him and fell against his chest. "Ahh, Goto, you have a nice chest. Think I'll sleep here..."

"You are not sleeping there. Now let's go."

"Don't want toooo~"


	5. Goto's Past V

**Goto's Past V**

"Hey, Goto. Did you hear the news yesterday?"

It was a rare occasion when Subaru was not making some derisive remark. Perhaps that was why Goto felt the need to habitually cross his arms and cock his head at the other man. They were on lunch break and had the misfortune of spending it together – if only because the storm outside had convinced the both of them not to venture out for their free hour.

"What news, Ichiyanagi?" The name tasted bitter as he spat it out. For some reason, there was always a slightly antagonistic edge to their relationship.

"That assignment you did two weeks back. In the official report, it was noted that he had a red snake tattoo just below his left shoulder."

"And?" He could hardly hide his annoyance. What was particularly pertinent about that? It was not uncommon for thugs to have tattoos.

"Some company bigwig was killed yesterday and they apprehended the suspect. Also had a snake tattoo."

Subaru was being unusually talkative by divulging all of this information. What was his aim? What was he trying to insinuate? Goto side-eyed the other man as he took another bite into the onigiri he had bought for lunch. "So?" he said finally, prompting the other man to continue. More than likely it was some kind of turf war that the politician had gotten himself involved in somehow with his policies. It was not something unusual—

"Apparently there has been a few similar crimes overseas lately. And the targets always have one thing in common."

"Does this have a point somewhere, Ichiyanagi?"

"Hm, maybe you should tell me. The guy who was murdered yesterday was under investigation already. And guess who was on the case?"

"Ichiya—"

"Kazuki Amemiya."

At first that did not seem too relevant. Yet as soon as it sank in, Goto started to recall the day before – the numerous text messages, the spur of the moment change where Kazuki had called him to the bar instead. She had seemed out of sorts, certainly. It was why he had asked her directly if something was wrong. What had she answered...?

_ "I guess sometimes I just feel like it would be easier to just quit."_

He stood abruptly, hurriedly fishing his phone out of his pocket. Since he had stuffed her into the taxi and sent her off, he had yet to hear from her. In consideration of how frequent her messages had been before, it was a bit disconcerting. He had dismissed it at first – surely her hangover was keeping her from being quite as energetic. But was it something else entirely?

"Excuse me," he said, hurrying out of the office and into the hallway as he tried to call her number. There was no answer – rather, it went straight to voicemail. All of a sudden an incoming call interrupted his attempts to get a hold of her. The number was unfamiliar but he answered it nonetheless. "Hello?"

_"Um... is this Goto-san? Uh – sorry, I am from Criminal Intelligence, we met a couple of weeks ago. I work with Amemiya-san. My name is Atsushi Yamano."_

"Ah, yes. I recall meeting you."

_"I am sorry to call your personal number. It was on Amemiya-san's desk and so..."_

"Why are you calling?" Goto interrupted, not particularly fussed about the details of _how._

_ "That is... I thought you might know where Amemiya-san is? She didn't come into work today and she didn't call in, either. She doesn't usually do this and she's not answering her phone..."_

Obviously something was going on. He should have been more aware of her behavior yesterday. Goto berated himself inwardly.

_"Goto-san, if possible... could you stop by her place after work? I am covering for her right now so I have to stay late. I can give you her address–"_

"Yeah, go ahead and give it to me." Although his voice remained even, he found his pulse quickening and his mind racing.

—

Her apartment was startlingly dilapidated. The creaking of the stairs and how unsteady they seemed beneath his weight gave him some reservations but he pressed on and managed to make it all the way to the third floor. Glancing at the information he had hastily scribbled down on a piece of torn-out notepad paper, he peered at the apartment numbers as he passed.

Hers was conveniently located at the end, at which point he realized her mail was overflowing, jammed into the small opening were dozens of envelopes. Bills or correspondence, he was not really sure, nor did he have any intention on prying or invading her privacy.

Hesitantly he rapped on the door a couple of times before calling out her name. "Amemiya?" As there was no answer, his knocking grew steadily louder alongside his voice. "Amemiya? Amemiya!"

"Are you trying to beat my door down?"

That voice sounded eerily familiar and he whipped around to find her standing there, in a baggy t-shirt and a pair of old jeans, a cigarette protruding from her lips. She took a puff before dropping the butt against the cement and smashing it beneath the sole of her shoe.

"Shouldn't you be at work? I see you're dressed for it."

He frowned at her, crossing his arms over his chest. "I took off to come over here after your subordinate called me."

"Atsushi called you, huh? Well, he always was a worrywart. That's what I get for taking a day off." Kazuki let out a self-deprecating laugh, stuffing her hands into her pockets. "Sorry to make you take time out of your day to come here."

"I heard about the case you were on."

There was a large, exaggerated sigh as she scratched at the back of her head. "What loudmouth would have gone babbling about that to you?"

Ignoring her mumbling, he persisted. "Is that why you didn't go to work today?"

"I had a hangover."

Skeptical, he studied her face for a moment before dropping his arms back to his side. There was no winning an argument with her. She had proved that in the past. "At least call in." Though he was still not entirely convinced that she was unaffected – obviously she would not have drowned herself in alcohol otherwise.

While he was preoccupied with his own thoughts, Kazuki advanced a couple of steps and suddenly struck her hand out toward him. "Hey, Goto, let's go out on a date. Yesterday wasn't good enough. And you already took the rest of the day off, right? Spend it with me."

"You're awfully demanding," he remarked dully, shoving his hands into his pockets as though he had no intention of agreeing to her offer. "You are going to go somewhere with me dressed like that?"

"I see, so Goto is the mini-skirt type. Well, I don't mind dressing up, if it's for you."

He clicked his tongue at her in dismay. "If you're going to fool around—"

All of a sudden she advanced another step, closing in the remaining distance between them until only a narrow margin remained. And those earnest green eyes peered up at him, outlined by messy tendrils of fiery red. "I'm not fooling around," she said. "I am completely serious about liking you. Will you get mad if I kiss you?"

"That isn't a question a woman should be asking," he replied before bending down. Their lips brushed tentatively at first but as soon as he found the warmth of her tongue inviting him, his hands found their way into her hair. Whether it was lust or something more genuine tying them together, it did not matter – he found his longing for her steadily growing. The reason why was a mystery to him, but something about Kazuki was alluring enough to maintain his interest.


	6. Kazuki's Lament I

**Kazuki's Lament I**

It had been several days since the anniversary of Kazuki's death. Goto had since seemed to be recovering. That wistful look on his face was replaced by his usual stoic expression and the occasional kind smile that she was accustomed to. Fallon suspected that this time of year would always be difficult for him – people never "get over" the death of a loved one, they can only learn how to cope in the absence of that person.

A part of Fallon envied that time that Kazuki had spent with Goto. She recalled when they had first met, before he had ever been assigned to guard her. There was a dead look in his eyes, a haze that gave her the impression that he had all but given up on any hope in the world. As though all he lived for was to see revenge.

Surely, before Kazuki's death, there had been a light in his eyes – hope, passion, happiness. It wrenched at her heart to think all of that had been lost when Kazuki died. It gave Fallon the impression that Kazuki had been much more to Goto than a lover.

"Are you almost done with those boxes?"

His question snapped her out of her reverie. "Oh – sorry. I guess I got distracted."

"Why don't you finish up with those and then we'll take a break?" Goto called back from the other room.

She had been living with him for a little while now, but considering the cramped quarters, he had suddenly offered to clear out some old boxes in favor of accomodating her more. Fallon was grateful for the gesture, though a part of her was shocked at just how much junk he had managed to accumulate over the years. He was some kind of packrat.

"Yeah, that sounds nice!" she hollered back as she sorted through the closet. There was just one last box left at the bottom. Shifting the other boxes to the side, she reached for this last one. It was surprisingly light given how large it was. It was only after she had managed to take a hold of it that she noticed there was a name written across the side of the cardboard – covered in a thick layer of clear tape. "Hm...?" She nearly dropped it after reading it.

_Kazuki._

**BAM!**

"Everything okay?" Goto asked, appearing in the doorway.

Fallon had managed to clumsily stumble backward, tripping over a box that had been sitting behind her. Despite the noisy crash against the floor, she had managed to save the box in her arms. It was still safely tucked beneath her arms.

"Ah... that box." That gentle expression faltered and he looked downcast for a moment. "Could you leave that one in the closet?"

"Yeah, sure... um... if you don't mind me asking, what's in it?"

"I don't know." He crossed his arms over his chest and frowned, as though disappointed with himself. "I have never opened it."

That answer puzzled her at first. But then, as she paused to contemplate his answer, she realized why. It was the last thing left of Kazuki – the only thing he had to remember her by. Opening it up and seeing what was inside would have confirmed the end. Maybe a part of him was afraid of what he would find. Or perhaps she was only overthinking it.

"Does it bother you?"

Fallon jerked her head in surprise. "Bother me?" she squeaked back. "Oh, no... it's fine."

"If it bothers you... then you can throw it away." Without saying anything else, he immediately turned on his heel and left the room.

"Throw it away..." Fallon echoed his words as she stared down at the battered old box in her arms. There was no way she could think to just toss it, even if its presence weighed on her mind. Surely there were things contained within that held memories for him. And while those memories were painful for her, surely one day... they would be something he could treasure without any guilt or remorse.

An idea occurred to her and while she knew he would not approve – given that he had only provided her with the options to leave it or throw it away – Fallon could not sate her curiosity. More than that, she wanted to find something. Something in this box that would give her the ability to help him heal. For as much as he seemed to be recovering, there was still a gaping wound within him that she was powerless to fix on her own.

The tape gave way easily as she peeled it off. There was a moment of hesitation before she pried it open. Her eyes strained to make out the contents at first. And she found them to be a bit anticlimactic for her built-up expectations. An old photo album, some picture frames, an unopened makeup kit box. Rummaging through all that, she also encountered a stack of old mail that seemed be just be various bills and what Fallon could only deem as junk.

This was the box that he had been reluctant to open? She sighed in exasperation. Now she felt even more guilty for opening it. There was nothing inside even remotely–

All of a sudden her hand grazed something that felt an awful lot like... "A notebook?" Without any sense of hesitation, she pulled it out and flipped it open. Pages and pages of handwritten words, each one marked with a date. When she made it to the last entry, she realized it was written just a few days before Kazuki's death.

Her breathing hitched in the back of her throat as she realized – this was it. This was the golden miracle she had been hoping for. Maybe if Goto read this, he would finally achieve peace of mind and be able to move on. Whatever ghosts of the past haunted him, this could be his method of recovery.

"Goto!" she called out frantically, shoving the box aside and jumping to her feet. Clasping the notebook shut and holding it to her chest, she darted out into the hallway and hurried into the mainroom where he was sitting on the couch, stroking Beach Ball.

"Hm?" His gaze shifted up to her face and gradually lowered to the object in her hands. As though he realized where she had retrieved it from, he suddenly looked a little disappointed.

Even though he did not seem particularly receptive, she pressed on. "This is... Kazuki-san's diary. I know you said I could just throw it out but... that would be a waste. It would be wrong. You really cared about her and I don't want to feel like I'm shoving her aside to make room for myself." She lowered her gaze to the floor, unable to look at him directly. "I think if you just—"

All of a sudden he stood up. "I'm going to go for a walk," he said briskly.

"But, Goto—"

"Whatever is inside that thing – I don't want to read it." He brushed past her after saying that, pausing at the door to grab a jacket and slip his shoes on. Then, without saying when he would be back or where he was going, he disappeared out the front door and slammed it behind him.

Beach Ball mewed in the silence that was left behind, hopping off the sofa to curl himself around Fallon's ankles. It was as though he was trying to reassure her that everything would be okay, despite the tears she felt welling up in her eyes.

"Sorry, Beach Ball," she apologized in a murmur, kneeling down on the ground to scoop him up in her arms, putting the journal aside. "I'm probably sticking my nose where it doesn't belong again... but I just... I want him to be able to move on properly."

_Meow._ The cat suddenly leaped out of her arms and circled around the notebook.

"What? Are you trying to tell me I should read it?

Beach Ball mewed at her again.

Tentatively, she outstretched her hand and picked up the tattered old journal, flipping it open. Her eyes started on the first words of the first page.

_He said he doesn't believe in fate, but I do. I have to think so. That smile of his saved me. When I started to question what there was left to live for, he came in to my life when I needed someone the most. I never thought I could love or be loved... but he proved that wrong. Tomoharu—_

"Tomoharu?" Fallon mouthed in surprise. She checked the date. It was just a year and a half prior to her death. But... who was Tomoharu?


	7. Kazuki's Lament II

**Kazuki's Lament II**

"Kazuki... you'll be late."

The sound of his voice seemed so far off and distant. Her eyelids felt weighed down by lead. It was difficult to pry them open just enough to drink in the bleary image of his silhouette hovering over her. Although her entire body felt inexplicably heavy, she managed to raise a hand and outstretch toward him. "Seiji," she whined desperately.

"You are a nightmare in the mornings," he remarked in exasperation.

A smile teased at her lips as his fingers entwined with hers. She used this as leverage and gave a sudden yank, pulling him onto the bed. Caught by surprise, he toppled down onto the mattress beside her. Taking this opportunity, she nuzzled up beside him, wrapping her arms around his abdomen. "Mm, you must have just showered. You smell nice..."

"You are going to wrinkle my uniform."

That resistant, grumpy voice he employed to try to pry her off just amused her more. There was something about his scent – like spice – it drew her in. And she never wanted to let go. Being around him gave her a comfort and security that she had not known for most of her life. "I just want to stay like this for a little while longer," she said quietly.

His stubborn attempts to peel her off faltered when she said that. And soon enough his hand was stroking the back of her head – as though he had resigned himself. "They really picked a sloppy person to be head of an important case."

"Mm, I heard that," she grumbled back, smiling against the fabric of his jacket. "But I can't help it, you know? I like you so much that I just can't let go."

"You sure can spout embarrassing stuff easily."

By this time they had only been together for several months. Due to Kazuki's tenacious nature and natural apptitude as a detective, she was appointed head of the case to chase down 'Red Snake.' Without anything formal to call them, they were referred to only by the similarity of the tattoos that all the members seemed to carry. But even through interrogation, the members they had apprehended were tight-lipped.

"Ahh, recharge complete! I can function for another day!" Kazuki chirped gleefully, slowly extracting herself from her one-sided embrace with Goto. She flashed a smile at him before sitting upright, the thin sheet that had been covering her immediately fell away, leaving her breasts exposed.

Without paying it much heed, Goto stood and smoothed out his uniform. "Will you be working late again tonight?" he asked, head cocked.

She giggled a little under her breath, slipping out from beneath the duvet to test her feet on the floor. Rounding the bed in full nudity, she came to a stop before Goto, lifting her hands to adjust his tie. "Sorry, I messed this up, too. But I'll take full responsibility."

His calloused hand clasped at the back of her wrist and he looked down at her with a frown. "Are you avoiding my question?"

It was true that ever since taking on the case, she had been forced to increasingly spend more hours at work and less hours with him. They had not even had a normal "date" since they had started officially going together. Did it even count as being in a relationship? Even Kazuki was not entirely certain what they were to each other.

"Sorry, but I'll have to pull a long night again. Overtime pays great, huh? Don't worry, though. I will stay over at my place for the rest of the week until my days off. Then I can come back over and we'll have a couple days to ourselves. Sounds good, right?"

"You are overworking yourself. You should really—"

All of a sudden the happy disposition cleared away, replaced by a subtle melacholy as her hands gripped tightly at the fabric of his tie – as though to convey her frustration. "This case... means everything to me. I don't care what it takes."

That persistence of hers was at once admirable and terrifying. He patted her on the head. There was no point arguing. Whatever reason she pushed herself for – it was all he could do to silently support her.

Lifting herself onto her tiptoes, she planted a small peck at the corner of his mouth before releasing him and slipping away to the bathroom. A few moments later, the shower cut on, water noisily clapping against the tiled floor.

—

"Thanks for your hard work!" It was some time shortly before midnight when she recited that line to her assistant, who could barely keep his eyes open. He seemed grateful for the dismissal and gleefully hurried to catch the last train.

Fortunately her place was not so far that she could not easily walk there. She shuffled through the sheaf of papers stacked on her desk. It seemed that the progress they were making was a snails pace. Their prey was always one step ahead.

Letting out a sigh of frustration, she finally slammed a fist against her desk before standing abruptly. There was no more point in mulling it over any further when exhaustion was weighing so heavily on her. Better to call it a night early and come back in the morning. She just had to figure out what target they would pick out next. If she could anticipate their moves, she could intercept them the next time they intended to strike.

The night's air felt especially cool as it caressed her ruddy cheeks. A contented sigh left her lips as she dug her hand into her pocket. A little bit of nicotine would take her a long way, especially when she would not be able to meet with Goto for some time. It was only her ambition that drove her in his absence.

She had managed to burn through two whole cigarettes by the time she made it back to her apartment and wearily clambered up the steps. There was a hunch in her back as she dragged herself the rest of the way to her door. Uncharacteristically, it already appeared unlocked when she tested the handle.

For a moment she paused and the hairs on the back of her neck stood up. Her mind raced with the possibilities. And for a few seconds she felt like she was suffocating under the weight of her own futile hope. Thrusting the door open, she charged inside, "Tomo—" the name barely left her mouth when she recognized Goto standing in front of her.

His eyes widened slightly at her entrance and he slowly held up a single silver key. "You left it at my apartment. I thought you might not be able to get in without it."

Almost immediately she let out a chuckle, running a hand through the tangled mess of her own windblown hair. "Aha, sorry. I guess I completely spaced it out. Thanks for bringing it by."

"Whose name were you calling?"

A bitter taste swept across her tongue and she struggled to swallow the bile back as she peered back up into his face. Kazuki offered an uneasy smile. "Sorry, I was just surprised so I—"

"I also found these." He suddenly held up a thin stack of letters, stamped and marked as 'return to sender.' They were all addressed to the same person. "Who is Tomoharu?"

All traces of her usual easygoing, flippant attitude seemed to drain away and those green eyes were left with an emptiness that Goto had scarcely seen before. Kazuki suddenly lurched forward and ripped the envelopes from his hand, furiously tearing them apart, edge by edge. Scraps of paper covered in sloppy handwriting were scattered across the floor at the base of their feet.

"It's nothing," she seethed out in a low voice. Her eyes glossed over with tears as she clenched her jaw, shredding every last letter into irreparable tatters. "He is nobody."

"You never mentioned him before."

"That's because—" Realizing that her voice had suddenly raised several octaves, Kazuki cut herself off and dropped to a whisper, unable to look Goto in the eyes. "You can just think of him as a ghost. He's not here anymore. He may as well be dead."

"So... he's not dead."

Slowly her head shook, auburn hair dancing around the base of her chin. "He is dead to me."

All of a sudden his hands seized her shoulders, his dark eyes looking down at her imploringly. "Kazuki... honestly speaking... what am I to you?"

She smiled sardonically. "That's not a question you really want an answer to, is it?"

That was an answer in and of itself. And his hands suddenly fell away. "I see. I'll be going home then."

"Goodnight." The tears stung at the ducts of her eyes as she listened to the sound of his footsteps.

"Goodnight," he responded quietly before the door clicked shut behind him.


	8. Kazuki's Lament III

**Author's Note:** Big thanks to Giada for the review. ;3 I hope the few of you are reading enjoy this! Sorry for the late update; I was gone on vacation for a month and a half.

* * *

**Kazuki's Lament III**

"Hey, Atsushi. What do you think about me?" The stench of liquor was heavy on her breath as she leaned from her barstool toward him, her hand suggestively stroking at his shoulder.

Without reservation, he pressed his palm against her forehead and shoved her back into her seat. There was another shot glass waiting for her, and she drained it the moment it was set down in front of her. He frowned uneasily. "Amemiya-san, it's a Friday night. Shouldn't you be spending time with your boyfriend? You have been really busy with the case over the week. Why did you ask me out to go drinking?"

The brunette let out a self-deprecating laugh as she squeezed the empty glass in her hands. "I need another!" she shouted at the bartender before turning to glance at her subordinate and address the question. "Spend time with who? Haha, that ship is already sinking. Bye-bye love life. Booom, gone... So, anyways, what do you think, Atsushi?"

Those hooded eyes stared at him imploringly. The allure of her blushing cheeks – eyes glossed over with inebriation – even he could feel his heart pounding a little faster. There had always been a firm line drawn between the two of them. They were subordinate and superior, nothing more. Yet here she was, propositioning him. Even his brain, muddled by the spirits he had downed in the moments prior, could register that there was reason to be hesitant about accepting, regardless of what his lower region wanted.

"U-Uhm... Amemiya-san, you're my boss, and..."

"Huuuuh?" she whined back with pouting lips, her eyelids drooping. "You won't comfort me? You're so meaaan, Atsuuushi!"

When she entreated him like that, it made it even more difficult to refuse. And the longer he pondered over it, the more he found his gaze drawn to those lips of hers. Whatever lipstick she put on earlier in the day seemed to have rubbed off – the slight gloss left behind only served as further appeal.

"You're looking at me like you want to. Come on, we can go back to—"

"I have to go to the bathroom!" All of a sudden he shot right out of his chair and stomped off, nervously looking over his shoulder to make sure that she had not left the bar. And while she busied herself with downing another cup, he whipped out his phone. Scrolling through the contact list, he finally found what he was looking for.

_"Hello?"_ The voice on the other end sounded gruff and curt.

"Um... Goto-san, if possible... could you come get Amemiya-san? She has been drinking a lot and—"

_"Just send her home."_

The disinterest in his voice was clear. Yet Atsushi pressed on. "If... If you don't come get her, then can I take that as the two of you aren't together anymore? Because if so then... then I'll take Amemiya-san home with me!"

A brief pause and then, _"Where is this bar at?"_

—

Being left to herself was not something unusual. She had become quite accustomed to being alone for quite a while. The sound of ice clinking against her glass as she threw another one back became like a melody. It lulled her into drinking more and more until her mind was so fuzzy, and her eyesight so blurred, that she could hardly distinguish the silhouette that settled in beside her.

"You took a long time, jeeeez."

"Kazuki."

The familiarity of that voice, the rebuking tone – it sobered her instantly. And she found herself struggling to swallow, craning her neck to peer over at him. Even through her bleary vision, she could make out that angular face, that creased forehead, and those glaring eyes. A sudden clarity seized her and within moments she excused herself from her spot at the bar and started hurrying off toward the exit. It was amazing how clear-headed she felt despite being utterly intoxicated.

"Kazuki, wait," he called after her.

A hand clasped the crook of her elbow and she immediately reeled away. "Don't touch me!" she hissed back at him before bursting through the front door. Even though she was stumbling, all she had to do was make it to the edge of the street and flag down a taxi. It was cowardly, she realized – they had not spoken since earlier in the week. But this was not the time to have a conversation about the state of their relationship. Not when she could scarcely form a coherent thought.

"How do you expect you will be able to pay for cab fare when you forgot your purse?"

She pivoted on her heel – a sudden movement that nearly cost Kazuki her balance – but she managed to steady herself before reaching out to snatch her purse from Goto's hands. Alas, his reflexes were easily faster than hers, and he managed to yank it away, dangling just beyond the tips of her fingers.

"Why are you doing this?" The tears started welling up in her eyes as she finally gave up on trying to retrieve her purse. Instead, her shoulders hunched as she dried desperately to hold back from crying in front of him. "Why did you come?"

A sigh escaped his lips as he finally lowered the purse and held it out to her. "Your subordinate called me and said you were completely sloshed."

"I am not," she whispered in a weak show of defiance. "Stupid Atsushi..."

"Let's go. My car is right over there."

Rather than challenge him further, as he might have expected, she followed obediently to the vehicle. The ride back to her apartment was a quiet one. She kept her eyes averted, staring out the window all the way. Despite the drunken haze, she thought to broach the earlier subject that had been the reason for their lack of communication. But she quickly decided against it, if only because she feared he would mistake it for the alcohol talking.

As soon as the car stopped, she pried the door open and darted out, heading for the stairs. Although her mind had cleared a little, it still proved difficult to move in a straight line and the pounding in her head was enough that she nearly tripped over her own feet. Kazuki only managed to steady herself when she felt an arm loop around her waist.

She peered up at Goto's face, hovering just above her shoulder. His expression was grim, tinged with distaste, as though he wanted to be anywhere but with the woman that had practically admitted that he was only a replacement for someone else. Despite the guilt weighing on her heart, she leaned against him as he helped her up the stairs.

When they came to a stop in front of the door, he removed his arm from her and turned as though to leave. Immediately she clasped his wrist tightly in her hand. There was a silent exchange – her pleading eyes to his apathetic stare. And eventually she found her grip loosening.

"Come inside," she whispered quietly, fully aware of the futility of such a request.

"Kazuki. Do you just think of me as a replacement?"

Silence was the only answer as she loosened her grip completely and her hand fell to her side. Her refusal to respond was, in and of itself, a silent confirmation. It seemed that was all that was left between them. And so she dug her fingers into her purse and produced her key, jamming it into the deadbolt after several missed attempts. Once the door was open, she stumbled a few steps inside before remembering that she needed to close it.

However, when Kazuki turned to close it, a hand smacked against the door and held it open. "I don't mind," he said finally, a look of resolve in his eyes as he cocked his head at her. It was a mannerism she had once thought to be arrogance. But those words were not the words of an arrogant man.

"Are you an idiot?" her question was punctuated by a denigrating laugh.

His lips grew taut but he did not respond.

It had to be a lie. Why was he telling her that he didn't mind? Kazuki knew better. She could see the pain in his eyes – in those eyes that refused to look at her directly. He stared anywhere but at her face. What part of her was interesting enough, or beautiful enough, or loveable enough to possibly warrant such a sacrifice on his behalf? She had practically spelled out that she saw nothing in him but the phantom image of someone else.

"Kazuki, I..."

Whatever words were going to come out of his mouth next, she hadn't the heart to hear them. So she closed in the distance between them. The scent of liquor was still heavy on her breath as she roughly pressed her lips to his.

_You stupid, stupid man..._ Tears stung at the edges of her eyes, salty liquid streaming down her cheeks even as her tongue eagerly pressed into his mouth. _You should have left me while I was willing to let you go._


	9. Kazuki's Lament IV

**A/N:** Super busy over the summer and super busy during the semester, really sorry for how late this is.

**Giada** - Aw, your English is great! :) I really appreciate your reviews - I know I've said that before but thank you again!

* * *

**Kazuki's Lament IV**

It had been several days since Fallon had discovered Kazuki's journal and began to read through it. Despite the initial mention of Tomoharu, the pages thereafter were largely passages about loneliness and being abandoned. They gradually took a happier swing, particularly when Kazuki recounted her first meeting with Goto. The details were much the same as when Goto relayed the story himself – except the Kazuki admitted her attraction to him from the very beginning.

On the surface, it really felt like reading a novel. Only when Fallon truly thought about it did she realize that the person sleeping beside her at night was the same man that Kazuki wrote about extensively throughout all of these entries. Fallon's heart ached – not from jealousy this time, but because she found herself identifying with Kazuki's feelings. Worse yet, there were not many pages remaining. And she suspected that she had already identified the reason why the memory of Kazuki continued to haunt Goto.

_Goto thought of himself as Tomoharu's replacement,_ read the top line on the page. _And I couldn't tell him otherwise. The words sat at the back of my tongue, but I could not deny it. I could not give him the words that he needed. Where he was completely open and accepting of me, I could only quietly rely upon him. I'm a horrible, cruel woman._

A cursory glance through the following pages did not offer Fallon the words she was looking for. She wanted Kazuki to admit her undying love for Goto. As much as she felt envious of all of their memories, it would have made it easier. If she could just find an outright declaration, she could present it to him. And then maybe he could move on. Maybe that was what he needed.

However, Fallon had been silently nursing a new fear of her own – that Goto was seeing her as a replacement for Kazuki. It was a vicious cycle, wasn't it? Although he had always given her assurance that made her think otherwise. More than once she had been told that she was "like Kazuki." Though she failed to see the resemblance, even after reading the journal entries.

"Hey. What are you doing?"

Her head jerked at the sound of Goto's voice and she immediately snapped the notebook shut, hastily shoving it under her pillow. It was obviously too late – she caught him staring at it before she managed to hide it away. "Um, nothing important. Sorry, I didn't realize the time. I'll go ahead and make dinner while you get changed."

"Alright."

Silently, he started loosening his tie as she brushed past him. Fallon felt a little antsy. They hadn't really talked about the journal since he walked out of the house a couple of days ago. It was a difficult subject to bring up. And she was beginning to understand why he did not want to read her journal – he was afraid of reading about Tomoharu.

As she tied the strings of her apron, Fallon silently wondered to herself – was Tomoharu still alive? In her entries, Kazuki had made a point of saying that he was 'dead to her,' but it was quite obvious that while he had left her, he wasn't really 'dead' in the literal sense of the word.

Humming to herself, Fallon set about cooking the side dishes while preparing the main meal as well – fish for this occasion. And as though he caught a whiff of it, Beach Ball came darting into the kitchen, mewing noisily while wrapping his tubby body around her leg.

"Ahaha, that tickles," she chirped back at him as she knelt down to give him a few pats on the top of the head. He was always the most affectionate when he thought he could wheedle something delicious out of her.

"You better not fall for it," Goto said suddenly, as though reading her mind.

Fallon jerked her head to look up to him and offered a smile. "Don't worry, I know better than to fall for his tricks." Giving one last scratch behind the ears, she straightened herself and returned to tending to dinner. It was still steaming by the time she managed to arrange all the plates on the table.

"It smells great."

That comment caught her offguard as she settled down across from Goto. It was a little unusual for him to make such an offhanded comment – he was typically quiet throughout dinner. She smiled at him as she handed him his serving of rice. "I thought it might be nice for a change. How was work?"

It was nothing more than idle chatter to fill the silence, but he was more receptive than usual. She could feel the hope bubbling up from the pit of her stomach. Those smiles he directed at her every time she paused to ask him a question or confide about her day. Thoughts about Kazuki's journal were almost completely swept from her mind.

By the time that dinner had finished, Beach Ball made a point of circling round and round Fallon's feet – nearly tripping her as she tried to carry the dishes to the sink. While she chided him playfully, she turned to ask Goto to help her with drying but he had already disappeared from the table.

Her brows furrowed, and her lips twisted with confusion. Maybe he decided to take a bath early? It was unusual for him to not offer to help her with cleanup after dinner, though. Not that there was any reason to mind it.

Again she was humming to herself as she washed the dishes. By the time she had managed to finish, Beach Ball had disappeared – no doubt disappointed that he had failed in his attempt to coax her into offering him leftovers. She started to make her way back to the bedroom but just as she made it to the hallway, she found her path cut off by Goto.

"Hey, I wondered where you—"

"I'm going for a walk," he said in a clipped tone.

The blur of movement left her disoriented as she spun around to stare after him. She barely had a chance to ask, "When will you be back?" But he had already slammed the door behind him just as the tail-end of those words made it past her lips.

Maybe he had received a sudden phone call? She pondered the possibility as she wandered back to the bedroom. In his haste to leave, he had left the light on. Almost as soon as she entered, Fallon's eyes landed on Kazuki's journal – she knew for sure that she had put it up, but it was lying wide open on top of the mattress, turned to the last page.

Fallon turned her head to gaze back down the hallway. What could he possibly have read that would have sent him stomping out of the house in such a hurry? Although she had not made it to those pages yet, she had given them once over and nothing particularly interesting had caught her eye.

Curious, she ventured over to the bed and took the open journal in her hand. Her eyes scanned the first few lines but there was nothing pertinent. At least not until she got to the base of the page – the last lines that Kazuki had ever written.

_My worst fears were realized when I visited Akemi at the hospital today. She is usually pretty tight-lipped, probably because she has always been really obedient for Tomoharu. But she let it slip today and now, I know for sure._

_ Red Snake will be moving in just a few days. I'll have to be quick if I want to intercept him before he manages to kill his next target. I don't know what I'm supposed to think, or how I'm supposed to feel. I should report what I know to my superiors but I can't bring myself to do it._

Fallon's head tilted slightly. Akemi... Akemi... that name sounded familiar.

The journal suddenly fell out of her hands and toppled to the ground.

"Iga...rashi..." she choked on the name as she breathed out. "Igarashi is... Tomoharu?"


End file.
